One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
