I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
