I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
