And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
