Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
