I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize