I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
