I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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