Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
