I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
