I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
