Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
