there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
