From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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