you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
