you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
