She said her name was "party"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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