I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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