i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
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