I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
