I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
