Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
