i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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