I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You are the jesus of drinking
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
