why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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