I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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