We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
