why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I currently don't understand fingers.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
