she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
