totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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