theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
