You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
