when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
