I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
