4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
