last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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