I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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