Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
