i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
