Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
