who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
