The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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