dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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