Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
