i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
