So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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