She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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