i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
