Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize