i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
