So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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