I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The air was thick with penises
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize