Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
