So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
