I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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