I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
