Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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